I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
