I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
In America we eat man semen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Someone signed my nipple.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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