Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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