You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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