Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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