if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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