And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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