I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
