I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize