Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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