I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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