Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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