Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
