He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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