I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
