there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
