Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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