that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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