After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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