You made me cry and you don't even care
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
