We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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