every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Drunk is not a location!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
