You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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