remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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