The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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