Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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