Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
