meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
