I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize