so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize