The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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