oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
