I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
