me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We had to coat check the pizza.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize