so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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