We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
