babies were throwing up all over the place
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
