god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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