He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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