I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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