Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
