i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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