Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
