I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
