Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
