I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
