i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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