I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
