i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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