The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
