I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
