the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
