hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Found your dick twin last night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
