The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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