I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
