btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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